Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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