when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
