guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
