i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
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