If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
