i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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