I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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