I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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