it wasn't lemon gatorade
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
