I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
