I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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