oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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