take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
