I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
