I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
