My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
