This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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