My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
