You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
