the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
