gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
