My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
