Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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