i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
