I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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