Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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