you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
