Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Randomize
