I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
