Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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