I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
