You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
