He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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