highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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