It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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