I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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