I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
