i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
