It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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