I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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