That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
