I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
