Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Do you have feelings for this penis?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
This toilet bowl is my home.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
