I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
