I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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