You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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