I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
