i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
