I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
