You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
