i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
