...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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