Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
